There Are No Bugs In Outer Space
by Coooool123
Summary: "The next time you decide to genetically modify a mother spider and make it a hundred times bigger, DO IT OUTSIDE." "Noted."


**Disclaimer: Anyone who's uncomfortable with or afraid of bugs may not be comfortable reading this! You've been warned! Arachnophobes beware!**

 **Based on the time I found a white lump on my wall, flicked it away, then remembered the spider from two days before and panicked that it was an egg sac even though it was bigger than the bug itself.**

* * *

"Just a little mutation experiment, you said. It'll be fine, you said. I'll make a controller for her, you said. They're never in the castle because it's too hot so this is a perfect opportunity that I'll never get again, you said!"

"The controller is still in development. Besides, how was I supposed to know she was expecting?"

"You'd think with an IQ of 273 and glasses as thick as coke bottles looking down at a black insect with a white lump on her back, you'd NOTICE that!"

"278, actually, but I forgive you. Everyone makes mistakes."

"Yeah, that's CLEARLY the lesson of the day." An explosion sounded somewhere in the depths of the castle, followed by a whoop of exhilaration.

"…Well, at least Roy sounds like he's having fun."

Larry shot Iggy the best drowned cat look he could muster. "The next time you decide to genetically modify a mother spider and make it a hundred times bigger, DO IT OUTSIDE."

"Noted." Iggy turned and blasted a spider that was attempting to escape through a second-story window, before reaching behind him to reload his blaster with the endless supply of chemicals he and Ludwig had whipped up just for the occasion.

"I really hope you did a head count because I do NOT want to wake up tomorrow with one of those things over my bed."

"I suggest sleeping with the window closed until this all blows over."

"I DON'T HAVE SHUTTERS."

The smirk dancing at the corner of the older brother's lips didn't go unnoticed. "Stinks to be you, then."

They went silent for a few more explosions, standing their ground as the spiders crawled all around them. They'd been given the assignment of preventing as many as they could from leaving the second floor, the staircase a dripping yellowish-green mess in front of them, while the room stank of the chemicals that they were using to decimate the bugs. Thankfully, the castle's populace only consisted of the most elite minions in order to take care of this 'little' fiasco. Evacuation had been enacted the moment the outbreak was announced, so losing any inexperienced minions to the spider infestation wasn't an issue. The subway tunnels and pipes had also been blocked off, further preventing the arachnids from expanding their territory and preventing any ill-timed visitors from entering the already hairy situation.

A growl made them stiffen, until they deduced that it was simply Larry's stomach protesting the unending rampage.

"…Who's in charge of defending the kitchen?"

"Morton. And with that hammer of his I bet he's doing a bang up job. Pun intended."

"He must be having a blast. I'm certainly not."

Iggy gestured to the numerous splats oozing over the room. "I beg to differ. You're definitely having more of a blast that you let on."

"Shut up. Now is not the time." He shot one that had lodged itself over Iggy's head in an attempted to get the drop on them, literally. The creature instantly crashed down in front of them, splattering all over the carpet. Iggy ducked to his right, narrowly avoiding the barrage that attempted to cover the brainiac maniac in slime, much to his younger brother's dismay. A gooped sibling would've at least been poetic justice for everything that he'd caused so far.

"At least Ludwig is manning the only bridge out of here. We don't need three-foot tall, eight-legged creatures to escape, go rampaging about, and interfere with our plans. Plus, I'd hate for some of them to reproduce in the wilderness."

"Yeah, right. You should've thought of that before testing your machine on the mother."

"Well I couldn't have passed up such a wondrous scientific opportunity, could I? It's a good thing I passed by your room when I did. Imagine if you succeeded in your mission... Such wasted potential."

"I wouldn't be blowing them up now had I squished it when I'd had the chance!"

"That's quite plausible. You definitely would've avoided giant, easy to blast spiders. Instead, you would've released the infants at nearly microscopic size, and they would have spread all around your room, crawling on you while you slept, invading every nook and cranny possible, expanding the populace to phenomenal rates within days, until your room became a web-filled infestation using you for food."

That shut him up. _Iggy sure knows how to get under my scales… but better him than those stupid bugs! Just the thought of it… UGH!_ He purposely turned his shell to his brother so as not to give Iggy the satisfaction of watching him gag.

Meanwhile, the genius was doing everything he could to contain himself. Sure it was a bit of an exaggeration – they wouldn't EAT him, per se; he might end up with a few little bites, worst case scenario – but the look on his FACE! Absolutely priceless. It took all his self-control not to collapse to the floor in a heap of laughter. Too much risk involved to get distracted now. Eugh… and waaaay too much ooze.

It was no secret that Larry HATED bugs. They ate at his precious piranha plants – which ironically ate at him regardless of his efforts – and despite the precarious situation Iggy had unleashed on them, it was extremely entertaining for the others to watch the light-blue shelled Koopaling squeam, right alongside his sister. She was even worse. Wendy had positively refused to leave her room the moment she'd learned of the situation, probably being the most heavily armed out of all of them to boot, just to protect herself and her belongings.

At least they couldn't slip under the doors when they were bigger than most of the things that lived in the castle.

Unfortunately, they could still camouflage themselves on the ceiling JUST fine.

That fact proved itself phenomenally well when a large black mass fell to the ground, landing directly on the smaller of the two. Larry let out a scream as he was forced to the floor by one of the larger specimen. He wasn't able to blast the thing since his arms were partially pinned under the hairy, eight-legged creature, enough to restrict free movement while still letting the Koopaling push against the creature's snapping maw.

Quick on the draw, Iggy let the globs of chemicals fly, being careful to avoid his brother as the monster was blown back and turned into a pile of goo against the wall, before scanning the ceiling for any other potential threats.

Scrambling away and panting heavily, Larry's eyes were so wide with terror that his pupils were practically nonexistent. He turned to his rescuer, utterly fearful, and unable to stop himself from shaking.

"NEVER. Genetically experiment on ANYTHING. Ever. AGAIN."

Iggy didn't answer that. It was a promise he couldn't even attempt to keep.

Something off to the side caught his eye and he had a sudden burst of scientific curiosity. It would also serve to distract his shaking brother from his traumatic close encounter as he refocused his aim on the monsters they battled. "...I wonder how they taste. Cover me for a moment while I test this."

The situation had also proven extremely informative for both him and Ludwig, as the others had quickly discovered. The two geniuses had jumped on the opportunity to examine any goopy remains whenever there was spare moment to do so… regardless of the MANY risks involved in either getting distracted or in the extent of their studies.

But at least Ludwig had boundaries…

Larry recoiled as the meaning his brother's words finally clicked. "Ew Iggy gross! Don't even think about it!"

"Well, lots of people eat bugs." The taller of the duo gestured to the side with his blaster before refocusing, deciding that now was not exactly the best time to do research as more spiders suddenly began to enter the hall and head for the windows. "Besides, Chompella and Broggy seem to be getting their fill."

The younger brother glanced over to see the two canine creatures chomping at the bugs happily, gobbling them up body first so that eight writhing legs could be slurped up like spaghetti after the giant creatures lost consciousness.

Larry's face went a bit greener than usual, replacing fear with disgust.

"Ok I'm going to get nightmares of that for weeks."

"Better than leaving this to fester for weeks. Though it may do so regardless... There can be up to 3000 spiderlings in one egg sac alone, you know."

"If you don't stop talking I'm going to blast you next." He started to rapid fire on the bugs to emphasize his point.

"No need to get hostile."

"No need to freak me out even more!"

"I find it funny. That fact alone outweighs your distaste for my knowledge."

"Just shut up and squash 'em already."

They continued for a few more minutes, crushing the giant bugs with each blast. With Larry's steady aim and Iggy's calculating mind, the two of them rarely missed a shot. Things finally started to slow to a lull after another hour, but they didn't let up. They went to look around corners and down hallways to find more to take care of. The castle was littered with hair-covered, stick-like legs, slime, goop, ooze, webs, and piles and piles of bug juice.

The maids were going to have a field day when they got back to the castle.

With every bug eliminated in a quick, efficient fashion, their movements fluid and purposeful, they slowly began to see a decrease in the assault, but they didn't dare pause for a break in case another wave decided to reveal itself.

In fact, their focus was completely unbreakable until Larry spoke up once more, wiping green ooze from his face in disgust as the barrage slowed to a crawl.

"If things keep going south with Princess Peach, do you think we can convince King Dad to try to hook up with Princess Rosalina instead?"

Iggy blasted another spider and shot a sidelong glance at his younger brother, curious at the sudden change of topic. "What makes you say that?"

The grimace on Larry's face was explanation enough as he turned three more giant insects into mucus-coloured piles of goop, blowing smoke and excess chemicals away from the blaster's edge before looking back at his older brother.

"There are no bugs in outer space."

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 **Anyone remember Broggy? From Bowser's Inside Story? I like to think Bowser kept him after the adventure ^^ while I don't think I'd play that game again - there are a few characters I'm uncomfortable with - I always loved the humour and plot!**


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